This page is dedicated to one
of our greatest fans, William Malcolm Bodwen, ex Police sergeant
3116 West Midlands Police, although anyone with a knowledge of
police codes would know that
"5150" would be much more
He embarked on a personal
"crusade" against the LPWS that involved assaults, criminal damage,
intimidation, stalking, alleged misuse of the Police National
Computer, and technically
"impersonating a Police Officer" by wearing his uniform in
public whilst suspended from duty, plus various public displays
of what can only be called BUFFOONERY.
Several complaints were made against
him, in fact at least 2 of our members were interviewed as witnesses
to at least two
The West Midlands Police Complaints and Internal
Discipline Department was secretly videoed during one of the
interviews, the tape was going to be given out free with the
Christmas edition of The Penrose Gazette, but was shelved due to
legal advice. We still have the recording, it's only on VHS, but
the two officers are quite free with their condemnation of
Eventually, he was
disposed of and retired "on medical grounds" which is a
crafty way for him to have to avoided discipline and still be
able to retain his pension at the
current level - demotion would have seen his pension drop to
that of a
He was also the instigator or organiser
of his so called "25 Watt Club", their only activity
would be to drive to the local repeater sites and sit there with
their mike's PTT switch operated and jam the repeater, the aim to
jam LPWS members but a side effect was to also prevent anyone
else from using it!
Their activities were obviously committing the
offences of causing deliberate interference, not giving a call
sign at the commencement of transmission and at 15 minute
intervals thereafter, but this seemed to go right over Bowden
and his cronies' heads. He possibly thought they were above the
law, as the club was being organised by a serving Police
To this day, no one has the slightest
idea why this man became so personally involved with LPWS
activities that it eventually cost him his job and possibly his
sanity too, in fact he freely describes himself as being "round
the old twisto" in the telephone conversation below!!
* Why is "Wicked"
Willy Bodwen like a
SLINKY ? Answer at the bottom of the page!
What a pity this
policy was introduced many years too late!
John Cooper Clarke has
written a poem about Malcolm!
This has been one of our consistently most
popular pages, so it has been retained in slightly modified form. Golf
- Zero - Mike - Alpha - Loony!
many years this man thought he was a CYCLE PATH after mishearing the
He can light
up a room, just by moving away from the window..............
When he was 8, he took an apple tart to
Airdrie, Swindon, and Reading after he thought his maths teacher had
told him to "take pie to 3 dismal places".
Definition COUNTRYSIDE = The Killing of WM
"Malcolm, come on down!"
After listening to,
and digesting these conversations, you may well wonder how someone
so obviously demented, could ever be employed as a British police
officer (even for West Midlands Police), let alone attain the rank
of a Sergeant! It must be true that people were promoted out of
Thanks to the LPWS, the local Midlands population is now protected
from this self confessed loony (Quote "I am round the old twisto") as he has been "Retired" on medical
grounds. (Anyone in the know will recognise this as internal slang
for being sacked but retaining the pension). Further to this,
it is understood that he has passed on, never more to assault LPWS
members or ring their doorbells and run away, or even throw
dictionaries at people.
By un-popular demand, the man with a face like a
bulldog licking piss off a thistle! - so ugly, that when he looks in a mirror, his reflection ducks!
No it’s not
the late Geoffrey Hughes (pictured RIP 27.7.2012), better known as Eddie Yeates
from Coronation Street, and it’s not Onslow from 'Keeping Up Appearances', it is
allegedly a radio amateur! Notice the mad, staring eyes, and questionable
basic personal hygiene, and the radio ham haircut! This is but one example of a
mad radio amateur, but we can assure you that there are many more. Some look
as if they have just fallen off a cathedral, and others have faces that have worn
out three bodies!
We are told that his entire working career was
spent "in the shit", his day to day activities just varying the depth.
The man Bodwen used to be a Sergeant in the West Midlands Police,
reported in the 1990s to be "the most corrupt Police Force in the United Kingdom". He is no longer a
serving police officer, the exact reasons are not specifically known, but
it is a fact that after being faced with demotion or early retirement, the
latter was chosen.
He was allegedly involved in many questionable activities including :-
Misuse of the Police National Computer.
Damaging private property.
Causing a disturbance.
Assaults on at least 2
different LPWS members! (possibly 3)
Walking around with an offensive wife.
Threatening to use
"underworld" connections to arrange the theft of LPWS members'
He remained a police officer until
West Midlands Police rationalised their policing policy, and decided to
employ someone more rational.
We have also been informed that he was reprimanded for “impersonating a
police officer” by wearing his uniform in public whilst on suspension from duty,
although this still remains unsubstantiated, it would appear to be "true to
form", so probably quite true.
Reports are reaching us that he visited
a mind reader who promptly offered him a 50% discount.
There is little doubt that Bodwen was/is
demented and obsessed with the LPWS, but even though he was a
serving Police Sergeant, he had no respect whatsoever due to his
bizarre and childish attacks on LPWS and pathetic surveillance
We had a Vote Bowden Vote Loony
campaign when the local elections were on, complete with posters
and election leaflets, many were delivered by paperboys we
bribed to push them through letterboxes along with morning and
Another campaign can only now be
revealed, as previously the evidence to support it was
The old loony had very noticeable
antennas on his house in Manor Lane, Halesowen. As we all know,
neighbours are naturally wary of these and only need the
slightest suggestion to believe that radio waves are harmful.
Using our knowledge of this, we
prepared the following letter and questionnaire which as sent to
every one of his neighbours with the handwritten reference
"Bowden/106", as a clue! There was also a laser printed Freepost
envelope for returning the answers free.
Here is the questionnaire
We never found out the
actual effect of this, as the return envelope had a fictitious
FREEPOST address printed on it, this was only included to encourage a
We were merely sowing a
few seeds of doubt!
The Pope decided to visit the UK and
after meeting the Queen, The Archbishop Of Canterbury and the
heads of the Roman Catholic church in the UK, he found he had a
few days to spare, so he decided to visit the cathedrals of
His driver was waiting to take him there, but the Pope was tired
of being driven about everywhere in the Popemobile, he said to
his driver "I'll take the wheel today, you sit in the back". So
off they went, and eventually got to Spaghetti Junction, where
they were spotted by the "eagle eyed" Bodwen, doing 84mph. Blue
lights flashing, he pulled them over to the hard shoulder and
came round to tap the driver's window.
Looking in, he saw the Pope, and
being on several disciplinary reports and the subject of several
public complaints, Bodwen was under orders not to cause the
force any more embarrassment. "Just wait there for a moment sir"
he said, and got on the radio "3116 Bodwen, I need the Chief
Constable urgently". After a few minutes he came on, "What the
hell have you done now Bodwen?" he bellowed. "I have a situation
sir, I have stopped a VIP for speeding, I need advice" The Chief
Constable rolled his eyes and asked "How important is he?",
"Very important Sir", "As important as me?" the Chief Constable
asked, "Oh yes sir" replied Bodwen, "As important as an MP?",
"More important than that sir" Bodwen replied. Getting
exasperated, the Chief Constable asked "Well is he as important
as the Prime Minister?" "Yes sir, I think he is" Fearing another
PR disaster, the Chief Constable asked "Well who the bloody hell
is it then?" Sheepishly, Bodwen replied "I'm not exactly sure
yet sir, but the Pope's his driver".
1975 and Malcolm & Peggy get on Border TV's Mr. & Mrs. with
Derek Batey. Doing well, they get to round 3, Derek says to Peggy "That's 2
Correct answers so far, I asked you what Malcolm's favourite
meal was, Malcolm said Lancashire Hot Pot, and you matched his
answer, next I asked you what Malcolm's favourite colour was,
you said blue - Malcolm's answer was also blue. This is the last
question, get this right and you win the cruise" (audience oohs
and ahhs) Derek "Malcolm's in the booth with the headphones on again, so
the final question is, have you and Malcolm ever made love in an
unusual place, what do you think Malcolm's answer will be - for
the star prize tonight? Peggy "I'm embarrassed, I don't like to say" Derek "Oh come on Peggy, we're all married couples here, nothing
to be ashamed about" Peggy "OK, I think it must be the kitchen table" Derek "OK Peggy let's get Malcolm out of the booth and see if he
can match the final question" "OK Malcolm, it all hangs on this final question, for tonight's
star prize - the cruise!, We asked Peggy have you ever made love in an unusual place, what
do you think Peggy said?" Malcolm "I don't like to say Derek, it's a bit embarrassing" Derek "That's OK Malcolm, Peggy was a bit embarrassed to but
match the final answer for the Mr & Mrs Star prize, so what do
you say Malcolm, have you and Peggy ever made love in an unusual
place?" Malcolm "mumble mumble" Derek "I'll have to ask you to speak up Malcolm" Malcolm "OK, up the arse!" Derek looking flushed, audience collapses with laughter "I'm
sorry Malcolm that's not the answer Peggy gave us, you came so
close to this week's star prize" Turning to the camera "Join us again next week folks, on Mr &
Mrs" Titles run as Peggy batters Malcolm about the head with her
handbag and Derek Batey collapses with laughter as the camera
pans to the audience falling about. Fade.
wasn't the only foray into the world of television, in 2005,
the lovely Peggy tried to enter Malcolm for the ITV show
Fact Hunt, after misreading the title!
This is a 100% genuine letter of apology to an LPWS member
following an "alleged" assault by this ex police officer and/or his
Click on the image above for a larger
a packet radio station for a while, although he did so with no
security. Here is an actual and NOT fabricated message that was left
on his TNC addressed to ALL:-
It is a simple
matter to do this, just change your call-sign to G0MAL, connect
to G0MAL via a node (to prevent a clash of signals as 2 TNC's
will not operate on the same frequency at the same time). Hit S
and address the message to ALL, and send. This is a genuine
printout, scanned and uploaded with the original grammatical
error! Well done the perpetrator!
Reports have reached us that this man had decided to donate
his body to medical science upon his death. We understand that the B.M.A. contested the will.
PLUS We are informed by email, that W.M.Bodwen is an "associate" member of The Mile High Club.
Apparently he had a wank in the toilet on the way to Spain in a 737!
Sgt. 3116 Bodwen
Question 46:- If you
could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?
His answer :-
The living one!
a previous small grammatical error, we referred to this
"character" as a UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICER, we are sorry, that should have read "
UNINFORMED" POLICE OFFICER, we wish to apologise for any distress or
confusion caused by the omission
of the "N".
the "Rumour Mill" and therefore unconfirmed........... We have received reports that his West Midlands
Police pension cheque arrived early last month, and the silly old sod
decided to treat himself with a visit to a massage parlour in nearby
Dudley. After selecting an attractive Asian teenager, the old buffoon had a
relaxing session of massage and therapeutic treatment. After almost an
hour, the young girl asked him if he would like “Super Sex”, true to
form the old cunt replied :-
“If it’s all the same to you, I’ll
just have the soup”
He spent 3 months doing a 10,000 piece jigsaw of a
chicken. only to find out later that it was a box of cornflakes!
Here is an interesting item that was found on GB7PZT
packet BBS in
1995, however the U in CUNT was replaced by an *!
Minister resists pressure to slaughter R.S.G.B. Limited members
In a surprising move last week, The Radio Society of Great Britain
Limited, officially acknowledged the existence of the so called "MAD
CUNT DISEASE" Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, which is now
scientifically linked to it's human equivalent
Veterinary experts from across Europe have called for stricter curbs
on the election of R.S.G.B.Ltd. committee members "I accept there may
be some hazard, but I believe the risk can be reduced to a minimum by
selecting candidates no older than 45 years of age" biologist
Dr.Graham Medley of Warwick University assured amateurs, "I urge those
in the hobby not to panic, and await the findings of the 13
independent scientists appointed by the government" he added.
Trade and Industry secretary, Ian Laing, rejected claims that a
selected slaughter of Radio Amateurs was the answer, "I accept that
members of the public are becoming increasingly concerned, but at
present we have no scientific facts to link "MAD CUNT DISEASE" to the
more senior bitter and twisted members of the amateur radio
Fear of "MAD CUNT DISEASE" spread like wildfire when it became widely
known that the more socially inadequate and deranged amateurs went out
of their way to 'associate' with children. Schoolteachers across the
country have unknowingly assisted elderly carriers of "MAD CUNT
DISEASE" to indoctrinate youngsters and expose them to potentially
dangerous amounts of the Creutzfeldt-Jackob-Bodwen spores whilst
assuming their charges were receiving harmless instruction in novice
"Nobody knows for sure the actual rate of infection, but to be on the
safe side it is recommended that no contact is made with any "A" class
licensee or more importantly any R.S.G.B.Ltd. member until more is
known about the epidemic" a DTI spokesperson read from an official
statement, "International contacts are known to be disease free, so
there is no fear of infection from DX-ing, but we believe that due to
the slow incubation, many U.K. amateurs may already be carrying the
disease. No evidence exists that data transmissions can transfer the
pathogen, but until more details of this outbreak are known, we
strongly advise that no contact is made with any R.S.G.B.Ltd.
member at all".
Efforts to reassure amateurs in Germany, France, Finland, Greece, and
Italy have been fruitless as panic has spread, and fear of contracting
what has become known as the R.S.G.B. disease have almost isolated an
already dwindling number of spineless and ineffectual hermits that
characteristically inhabit potting sheds. Carriers of "MAD CUNT
DISEASE" can be identified by the prominent bald spot, large stomach,
and food stained home knitted cardigan or jumper with the badly
embroidered call sign that has become almost a uniform for this aged
and lamentable decreasing minority that has seen its numbers decimated
in recent years by their almost fanatical attempts to keep their hobby
shrouded in mystique.
In London's Tottenham Court Road this week, shops were deserted
following the announcement that scientists had linked "MAD BODWEN
DISEASE" to humans. Retailers reported an almost 90% drop in equipment
sales and feared that the collapsed market for amateur radio equipment
may never recover "I blame Hestletine for the cover-up" said disgraced
ex-police Sergeant 3116 William Malcolm Bodwen when interviewed at his
106 Manor Lane, Halesowen, hideout, "flim-flam-flob-a-dob - I'm a
teapot" he added, "I'm just glad not to be affected myself!" he then
turned away and, standing on one leg, continued eating his bicycle.
William Malcolm Bodwen (G0MAL) is 64.
The Bottom Line
This page brought to you by
the LPWS Back-Up team, guaranteed to get your back up!
Answer: Because he's totally useless, but fun to watch falling down the stairs!
Several people have asked us why
there is a discrepancy between the family name, Bodwen and
Bowden, this was done back in the 1990s after legal advice.
However this was probably not necessary as none of this, apart
from the obvious humour, is made up. At the time we were told
about Private Eye magazine and how they could print anything
about Prime Minister Harold Wislon, and his then secretary Lady
Forkbender, as although it was obvious who they were writing
about, they were both fictitious characters. The changed name
remains as an accurate record of the original web page, uploaded
before the days of Google!
The Laughing Policeman Wireless Society is a
non-profit organisation for the furtherance of amateur radio. With annual turnover of less then GBP £1000,
LPWS qualifies for UK Charitable Status.
Access to, and use of