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Spot The Loony!

This page is dedicated to one of our greatest fans, William Malcolm Bodwen, ex Police sergeant 3116 West Midlands Police, although anyone with a knowledge of police codes would know that "5150" would be much more suitable!

He embarked on a personal "crusade" against the LPWS that involved assaults, criminal damage, intimidation, stalking, alleged misuse of the Police National Computer, and technically "impersonating a Police Officer" by wearing his uniform in public whilst suspended from duty, plus various public displays of what can only be called BUFFOONERY.

Several complaints were made against him, in fact at least 2 of our members were interviewed as witnesses to at least two assaults.
The West Midlands Police Complaints and Internal Discipline Department was secretly videoed during one of the interviews, the tape was going to be given out free with the Christmas edition of The Penrose Gazette, but was shelved due to legal advice. We still have the recording, it's only on VHS, but the two officers are quite free with their condemnation of Bodwen!

Eventually, he was disposed of and retired "on medical grounds" which is a crafty way for him to have to avoided discipline and still be able to retain his pension at the current level - demotion would have seen his pension drop to that of a constable.

He was also the instigator or organiser of his so called "25 Watt Club", their only activity would be to drive to the local repeater sites and sit there with their mike's PTT switch operated and jam the repeater, the aim to jam LPWS members but a side effect was to also prevent anyone else from using it!
Their activities were obviously committing the offences of causing deliberate interference, not giving a call sign at the commencement of transmission and at 15 minute intervals thereafter, but this seemed to go right over Bowden and his cronies' heads. He possibly thought they were above the law, as the club was being organised by a serving Police Sergeant!

To this day, no one has the slightest idea why this man became so personally involved with LPWS activities that it eventually cost him his job and possibly his sanity too, in fact he freely describes himself as being "round the old twisto" in the telephone conversation below!!

* Why is "Wicked" Willy Bodwen like a SLINKY ?   Answer at the bottom of the page!

What a pity this policy was introduced many years too late!


John Cooper Clarke has written a poem about Malcolm!


 

This has been one of our consistently most popular pages, so it has been retained in slightly modified form. Golf - Zero - Mike - Alpha - Loony!

   For many years this man thought he was a CYCLE PATH after mishearing the school psychiatrist!

He can light up a room, just by moving away from the window..............

When he was 8, he took an apple tart to Airdrie, Swindon, and Reading after he thought his maths teacher had told him to "take pie to 3 dismal places".

Definition COUNTRYSIDE = The Killing of WM Bodwen


"Malcolm, come on down!"

"Wicked" Willy Bodwen, PG13

After listening to, and digesting these conversations, you may well wonder how someone so obviously demented, could ever be employed as a British police officer (even for West Midlands Police), let alone attain the rank of a Sergeant! It must be true that people were promoted out of harm's way.

Thanks to the LPWS, the local Midlands population is now protected from this self confessed loony (Quote "I am round the old twisto") as he has been "Retired" on medical grounds. (Anyone in the know will recognise this as internal slang for being sacked but retaining the pension). Further to this, it is understood that he has passed on, never more to assault LPWS members or ring their doorbells and run away, or even throw dictionaries at people.

By un-popular demand, the man with a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle! - so ugly, that when he looks in a mirror, his reflection ducks!

No it’s not the late Geoffrey Hughes (pictured RIP 27.7.2012), better known as Eddie Yeates from Coronation Street, and it’s not Onslow from 'Keeping Up Appearances', it is allegedly a radio amateur! Notice the mad, staring eyes, and questionable basic personal hygiene, and the radio ham haircut! This is but one example of a mad radio amateur, but we can assure you that there are many more. Some look as if they have just fallen off a cathedral, and others have faces that have worn out three bodies!

We are told that his entire working career was spent "in the shit", his day to day activities just varying the depth.

 

The man Bodwen used to be a Sergeant in the West Midlands Police, reported in the 1990s to be "the most corrupt Police Force in the United Kingdom". He is no longer a serving police officer, the exact reasons are not specifically known, but it is a fact that after being faced with demotion or early retirement, the latter was chosen.
He was allegedly involved in many questionable activities including :-

  • Misuse of the Police National Computer.

  • Threatening Behaviour.

  • Damaging private property.

  • Causing a disturbance.

  • Assaults on at least 2 different LPWS members! (possibly 3)

  • Walking around with an offensive wife.

  • Threatening to use "underworld" connections to arrange the theft of LPWS members' cars.

  • etc.

He remained a police officer until West Midlands Police rationalised their policing policy, and decided to employ someone more rational.

We have also been informed that he was reprimanded for “impersonating a police officer” by wearing his uniform in public whilst on suspension from duty, although this still remains unsubstantiated, it would appear to be "true to form", so probably quite true.

Reports are reaching us that he visited a mind reader who promptly offered him a 50% discount.


There is little doubt that Bodwen was/is demented and obsessed with the LPWS, but even though he was a serving Police Sergeant, he had no respect whatsoever due to his bizarre and childish attacks on LPWS and pathetic surveillance attempts.

We had a Vote Bowden Vote Loony campaign when the local elections were on, complete with posters and election leaflets, many were delivered by paperboys we bribed to push them through letterboxes along with morning and evening papers.

Another campaign can only now be revealed, as previously the evidence to support it was unavailable.

The old loony had very noticeable antennas on his house in Manor Lane, Halesowen. As we all know, neighbours are naturally wary of these and only need the slightest suggestion to believe that radio waves are harmful.

Using our knowledge of this, we prepared the following letter and questionnaire which as sent to every one of his neighbours with the handwritten reference "Bowden/106", as a clue! There was also a laser printed Freepost envelope for returning the answers free.

Here is the questionnaire

We never found out the actual effect of this, as the return envelope had a fictitious FREEPOST address printed on it, this was only included to encourage a response.

We were merely sowing a few seeds of doubt!

Bodwen and the Pope

The Pope decided to visit the UK and after meeting the Queen, The Archbishop Of Canterbury and the heads of the Roman Catholic church in the UK, he found he had a few days to spare, so he decided to visit the cathedrals of Liverpool.

His driver was waiting to take him there, but the Pope was tired of being driven about everywhere in the Popemobile, he said to his driver "I'll take the wheel today, you sit in the back". So off they went, and eventually got to Spaghetti Junction, where they were spotted by the "eagle eyed" Bodwen, doing 84mph. Blue lights flashing, he pulled them over to the hard shoulder and came round to tap the driver's window.

Looking in, he saw the Pope, and being on several disciplinary reports and the subject of several public complaints, Bodwen was under orders not to cause the force any more embarrassment. "Just wait there for a moment sir" he said, and got on the radio "3116 Bodwen, I need the Chief Constable urgently". After a few minutes he came on, "What the hell have you done now Bodwen?" he bellowed. "I have a situation sir, I have stopped a VIP for speeding, I need advice" The Chief Constable rolled his eyes and asked "How important is he?", "Very important Sir", "As important as me?" the Chief Constable asked, "Oh yes sir" replied Bodwen, "As important as an MP?", "More important than that sir" Bodwen replied. Getting exasperated, the Chief Constable asked "Well is he as important as the Prime Minister?" "Yes sir, I think he is" Fearing another PR disaster, the Chief Constable asked "Well who the bloody hell is it then?" Sheepishly, Bodwen replied "I'm not exactly sure yet sir, but the Pope's his driver".

It's 1975 and Malcolm & Peggy get on Border TV's Mr. & Mrs. with Derek Batey.
Doing well, they get to round 3, Derek says to Peggy "That's 2 Correct answers so far, I asked you what Malcolm's favourite meal was, Malcolm said Lancashire Hot Pot, and you matched his answer, next I asked you what Malcolm's favourite colour was, you said blue - Malcolm's answer was also blue. This is the last question, get this right and you win the cruise" (audience oohs and ahhs)
Derek "Malcolm's in the booth with the headphones on again, so the final question is, have you and Malcolm ever made love in an unusual place, what do you think Malcolm's answer will be - for the star prize tonight?
Peggy "I'm embarrassed, I don't like to say"
Derek "Oh come on Peggy, we're all married couples here, nothing to be ashamed about"
Peggy "OK, I think it must be the kitchen table"
Derek "OK Peggy let's get Malcolm out of the booth and see if he can match the final question"
"OK Malcolm, it all hangs on this final question, for tonight's star prize - the cruise!,
We asked Peggy have you ever made love in an unusual place, what do you think Peggy said?"
Malcolm "I don't like to say Derek, it's a bit embarrassing"
Derek "That's OK Malcolm, Peggy was a bit embarrassed to but match the final answer for the Mr & Mrs Star prize, so what do you say Malcolm, have you and Peggy ever made love in an unusual place?"
Malcolm "mumble mumble"
Derek "I'll have to ask you to speak up Malcolm"
Malcolm "OK, up the arse!"
Derek looking flushed, audience collapses with laughter "I'm sorry Malcolm that's not the answer Peggy gave us, you came so close to this week's star prize"
Turning to the camera "Join us again next week folks, on Mr & Mrs"
Titles run as Peggy batters Malcolm about the head with her handbag and Derek Batey collapses with laughter as the camera pans to the audience falling about. Fade.


This wasn't the only foray into the world of television, in 2005, the lovely Peggy tried to enter Malcolm for the ITV show Fact Hunt, after misreading the title!


This is a 100% genuine letter of apology to an LPWS member following an "alleged" assault by this ex police officer and/or his son.


Click on the image above for a larger copy


G0MAL operated a packet radio station for a while, although he did so with no security. Here is an actual and NOT fabricated message that was left on his TNC addressed to ALL:-

It is a simple matter to do this, just change your call-sign to G0MAL, connect to G0MAL via a node (to prevent a clash of signals as 2 TNC's will not operate on the same frequency at the same time). Hit S and address the message to ALL, and send. This is a genuine printout, scanned and uploaded with the original grammatical error! Well done the perpetrator!

STOP PRESS!

Reports have reached us that this man had decided to donate his body to medical science upon his death. We understand that the B.M.A. contested the will.

PLUS We are informed by email, that W.M.Bodwen is an "associate" member of The Mile High Club. Apparently he had a wank in the toilet on the way to Spain in a 737!

 

West Midlands Constabulary

Intelligence Test       Sgt. 3116  Bodwen

Question 46:-  If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?

His answer :- The living one!

  • An Apology

Due to a previous small grammatical error, we referred to this "character" as a UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICER, we are sorry, that should have read " UNINFORMED" POLICE OFFICER, we wish to apologise for any distress or confusion caused by the omission of the "N".

From the "Rumour Mill" and therefore unconfirmed...........
We have received reports that his West Midlands Police pension cheque arrived early last month, and the silly old sod decided to treat himself with a visit to a massage parlour in nearby Dudley.
After selecting an attractive Asian teenager, the old buffoon had a relaxing session of massage and therapeutic treatment. After almost an hour, the young girl asked him if he would like “Super Sex”, true to form the old cunt replied :-

“If it’s all the same to you, I’ll just have the soup”

He spent 3 months doing a 10,000 piece jigsaw of a chicken. only to find out later that it was a box of cornflakes!

Here is an interesting item that was found on GB7PZT packet BBS in 1995, however the U in CUNT was replaced by an *!

Minister resists pressure to slaughter R.S.G.B. Limited members

In a surprising move last week, The Radio Society of Great Britain Limited, officially acknowledged the existence of the so called "MAD CUNT DISEASE"  Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, which is now scientifically linked to it's human equivalent Creutzfeldt-Jackob-Bodwen disease.

Veterinary experts from across Europe have called for stricter curbs on the election of R.S.G.B.Ltd. committee members "I accept there may be some hazard, but I believe the risk can be reduced to a minimum by selecting candidates no older than 45 years of age" biologist Dr.Graham Medley of Warwick University assured amateurs, "I urge those in the hobby not to panic, and await the findings of the 13 independent scientists appointed by the government" he added.

Trade and Industry secretary, Ian Laing, rejected claims that a selected slaughter of Radio Amateurs was the answer, "I accept that members of the public are becoming increasingly concerned, but at present we have no scientific facts to link "MAD CUNT DISEASE" to the more senior bitter and twisted members of the amateur radio fraternity"

Fear of "MAD CUNT DISEASE" spread like wildfire when it became widely known that the more socially inadequate and deranged amateurs went out of their way to 'associate' with children. Schoolteachers across the country have unknowingly assisted elderly carriers of "MAD CUNT DISEASE" to indoctrinate youngsters and expose them to potentially dangerous amounts of the Creutzfeldt-Jackob-Bodwen spores whilst assuming their charges were receiving harmless instruction in novice radio operation!

"Nobody knows for sure the actual rate of infection, but to be on the safe side it is recommended that no contact is made with any "A" class licensee or more importantly any R.S.G.B.Ltd. member until more is known about the epidemic" a DTI spokesperson read from an official statement, "International contacts are known to be disease free, so there is no fear of infection from DX-ing, but we believe that due to the slow incubation, many U.K. amateurs may already be carrying the disease. No evidence exists that data transmissions can transfer the pathogen, but until more details of this outbreak are known, we strongly advise that no contact is made with any R.S.G.B.Ltd. member at all".

Efforts to reassure amateurs in Germany, France, Finland, Greece, and Italy have been fruitless as panic has spread, and fear of contracting what has become known as the R.S.G.B. disease have almost isolated an already dwindling number of spineless and ineffectual hermits that characteristically inhabit potting sheds. Carriers of "MAD CUNT DISEASE" can be identified by the prominent bald spot, large stomach, and food stained home knitted cardigan or jumper with the badly embroidered call sign that has become almost a uniform for this aged and lamentable decreasing minority that has seen its numbers decimated in recent years by their almost fanatical attempts to keep their hobby shrouded in mystique.

In London's Tottenham Court Road this week, shops were deserted following the announcement that scientists had linked "MAD BODWEN DISEASE" to humans. Retailers reported an almost 90% drop in equipment sales and feared that the collapsed market for amateur radio equipment may never recover "I blame Hestletine for the cover-up" said disgraced ex-police Sergeant 3116 William Malcolm Bodwen when interviewed at his 106 Manor Lane, Halesowen, hideout, "flim-flam-flob-a-dob - I'm a teapot" he added, "I'm just glad not to be affected myself!" he then turned away and, standing on one leg, continued eating his bicycle.  William Malcolm Bodwen (G0MAL) is 64.

Well just fancy that!

Thanks for sending this in!!!

The Bottom Line

This page brought to you by the LPWS Back-Up team, guaranteed to get your back up!

*Slinky    Answer: Because he's totally useless, but fun to watch falling down the stairs!

NOTE:- Several people have asked us why there is a discrepancy between the family name, Bodwen and Bowden, this was done back in the 1990s after legal advice. However this was probably not necessary as none of this, apart from the obvious humour, is made up. At the time we were told about Private Eye magazine and how they could print anything about Prime Minister Harold Wislon, and his then secretary Lady Forkbender, as although it was obvious who they were writing about, they were both fictitious characters. The changed name remains as an accurate record of the original web page, uploaded before the days of Google!

 
 
      "Wicked" Willy Bodwen ex Sgt. 3116 (forced to retire & not a laughing policeman!)

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